Homily

I heard a song recently that had a fine melody, nice vocals and an unusual theme. But I couldn't catch all the lyrics so I looked it up. The song is called, "Doubting Thomas," and it is about a man who is having a crisis of faith. Something has happened and now he is not so sure about his faith in Jesus Christ. Here are the first lines to the song:

"What will be left when I've drawn my last breath, Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me? Will I discover a soul-saving love, or just the dirt above and below me?

I'm a doubting Thomas, I took a promise but I do not feel safe.
Oh me of little faith!

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face, then I beg to be spared because I'm a coward!"

I can identify with those thoughts, not about doubting in the reality of the divinity of Christ, but about not feeling safe, about being worried and lacking in trust and too frightened to say to the Lord, "Do whatever You want with me." So then, like the songwriter, I too see that I'm a coward, or maybe it's more accurate to say that I remember that I'm a coward, because I keep shrinking back from total and unwavering commitment to the One Who was slapped in the face over and over again in His love for me. How many slaps would I be willing to take for His sake?

Now it is true that we should be careful about judging our lives because we are likely not to be totally objective, still I have to say that I do not believe that my life is motivated first of all by love, but instead by fear. And in saying that I don't mean that I am not able to love other people, or that I do not love Christ. I do. But when it comes to the bottom line and I have to clearly see what is it that will really get my attention, move me into action, drive me into a sense that something is very important and must be taken care of which motivation is stronger, love or fear? I hate to say it, I really hate to say it, but I think it's fear. Strangely enough I see that the opposite of love is, perhaps, not hate, but fear. I say that because love always draws you out toward Christ, toward other people. But fear does the exact opposite and draws you back into yourself because you might have to protect yourself from the other people and you may not be sure who you can really trust with your life. And what if the Lord would ask you to do something hard or dangerous like, "Love your neighbor as yourself?" Maybe it's best to keep some distance from Him there, Oh me of little faith. I don't deny Christ. I believe in Christ. But maybe it's best to keep a little distance to protect yourself because if you give yourself over totally to Him you can't say how hard it might get. Love means the giving of self, fear says you better put yourself first. Which one am I living for?

"For what does it profit a man if he gain the whole world but suffer the loss of his own soul in the process?" What a pointed question! And here I am not even remotely close to gaining even Springfield for myself, much less the whole world, and I still find myself struggling between love and fear, even though many times I downplay the fear and simply assume, or pretend that love is the deepest root in my life. I like to think that I am loving and not self-centered, but how can that be true when my hands are free to do what I want and I am not carrying that cross Jesus speaks of? And if I am not always carrying the cross of a disciple then surely I am not always following Him. Oh, me of little faith!

I bring these things up not so that you will start thinking you'd better find a better pastor, but because I believe that most of you, perhaps, can identify with what I am talking about, even if you are not in the same sad shape that I may be.

The Church is wise to put the emphasis, twice a year, on Christ Crucified, and lay Him out before us as the Suffering Lord, Who bore great pain and gave up His own life in love for me, in love for you. His cross is like a mirror that can show us more clearly who we really are, rather than who we'd like to think we are. And, if we do not like what we see, He is there to help us to pick up our own crosses and become like Him, and to come unto Him, and to help others come to Him. Oh me of little faith! I bow to Your cross and I praise Your holy Resurrection.