Homily

As you know I often ask questions when I'm preaching. Maybe it's because I have more questions than answers, but maybe it is also because questions on my mind this past week: How good do I want to be? It's not a question that I particularly like, nor is it a question that I have finally answered. How good do I want to be? I know that the answer should be that I want to be as good as good can be, but I'm not so sure that would be an honest answer for me. Probably the honest answer is that I want to be good enough.

Good enough that I don't think I'm a bad person. Good enough so that at least some people like me and there aren't too many people who hate me. Good enough so that I can walk through life without feeling a sense of shame or inferiority, at least most of the time. Good enough so that I can do some good for other people. Good enough so that I don't end up in jail, at least not so far. I know that it would be best to want to be as good as good can be, but I do think I'm willing to settle most of the time, for good enough.

I don't find myself constantly striving to seek after virtue, or excellence, or holiness or a life that is thoroughly and completely saturated with faith. I mean there are times when I'm very willing to have a life like that, but they don't come very often and then don't last very long. Why is that? I cannot say for sure, with 100% accuracy, but as I was asking myself that question, there are some reasons I am certain are true. There is a cost to being as good as good can be, and that is to completely surrender yourself to God. Now in theory, that sounds great, because why wouldn't you want your life to be completely in God's hands? But in practice, in actual life, that would mean having complete and utter trust in God that my life would be good, and it's hard to have that kind of faith. It's so much easier to believe that if I keep control, things will turn out better. I realize that is kind of stupid: "God is in charge or I am in charge, which one should I pick?" But that's a weakness for sure. "I want God to be in charge as long as it goes my way," is not a very convincing sort of faith.

And I guess I'm afraid because you never know what God might ask you to do, and it might be something hard, difficult, unpleasant, painful, something you would not want to do or you would not choose for yourself. Like, what if God asked me to become a priest? Oh wait, that already happened. But what if God wants me to be a generous, holy, self-sacrificing, ascetical, super-prayerful, fearless and fully-faithful kind of priest? Ooooh—doesn't that sound kind of hard and that it would take a lot of effort and energy and dedication? It seems it would not be that comfortable a life. What's wrong with, "good enough?" I mean, it's still good, isn't it?

Another thought I had was that it is probably impossible for me to be as good as good can be because I'm just not built for it. I'll never play in the NBA, I'll never be the smartest man in Springfield or the greatest preacher on Aspen St. I understand and accept that even if I had a lot of passion and even if it was everything I ever lived for, and even if I thought I was born to do it, I accept that I would never be crowned the next "American Idol." In a similar way, I tend to think that I just could never be that good, so why bother to try? Besides, what if people thought I was a religious fanatic or something?

Yet I have to say that today's Gospel also gets me thinking. There were only five loaves of bread and two fish. That's all the apostles had. Five loaves and two fish on the one hand, and well over 5,000 people to be fed on the other hand, but when all is said and done, Jesus took the little bit that the apostles had and He allowed them to feed the multitude. They weren't especially built for greatness, nor for goodness, same as me, but there came a day, through their sticking with the Lord, that they were even willing to be as good as good can be, even willing to give up their lives as a witness to the truth of Christ our Lord. So I'm thinking there is still hope for me to find a way to want to be truly good, rather than good enough. I'm thinking it can still happen if I stick with it and do my part, or keep working on doing my part. If the Lord can do so much with so very little, surely there is hope for me too, if I stick with Him. Good enough is never really good enough.

Since I have found it to be a helpful question for me, I'm thinking it might also be a good question for you: How good do you want to be?